Stuff I Think You Should Know

And since Zimbabwe was soooo yesterday, we've got a new one

Oh, my. This is rich, right here.

Perplexed by the vitriol of US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice's attacks on Iran, one lawmaker believes he has uncovered the secret of her enmity -- that she was spurned by an Iranian boyfriend at college.

Excuse me while I chuckle.

Mwheh.

Okay, now that that's out of the way- pray tell, just what is causing her hatred of North Korea? She got dumped in high school, maybe?

Gosh, up until now I would've just said that Iran and North Korea are the last two dictatorships in the Axis of Evil. But then, what the heck do I know, I'm not a member of the Iranian Parliament.

"The reason that the US secretary of state attacks Iran is because she had her heart broken by a young man from Qazvin while they were students," a confident Shokrollah Attarzadeh was quoted by the ISNA agency as saying.

"Confident" in this case meaning "The Ayatollah said it so it must be true"?

Somewhat mysteriously, he added: "This is the result of an investigation by a woman MP, who cannot be named."

"She cannot be named, because we made her up out of thin air. We didn't get around to making up a name for her yet, sorry."

C'mon, stupid little countries. Do you actually think anybody believes you? Hey, add Iran to my list of countries that... oh, wait, it's already on the list. Bump it up a notch.

Hat tip: Fark. (Why does the most blogworthy news always come from Fark?)

Today's Moonbatted World Leader Award™ Goes To...

...Robert Mugabe.

A state-run newspaper in Zimbabwe has suggested the UK and US are to blame for droughts in southern Africa.

A "state-run newspaper". We're off to a great start. Mr. Li'l Kim, pay attention.

The Herald said climate change has been artificially induced "in a bid to arm-twist the region to capitulate to the whims of the world's superpowers".

No, when we want to "twist your arm" we bomb the crap out of you and occupy your country. Haven't you been paying attention?

Not that that would be a bad idea for Mugabe. I'd say a little regime change is in order, just on general principle.

It said weather was being manipulated for political gain using unspecified "unconventional" chemical weapons.

Did he talk to the "scientific sources" who said that we caused the earthquake/tsunami last year? "Project DESTINI is a go!"

It is widely seen as a mouthpiece for President Robert Mugabe's government, correspondents say.

Well, that's what "freedom of the press" means in dictatorese.

It said recent droughts, which defied predictions by the Zimbabwean government and the Southern African Development Community's Drought Monitoring Centre, pointed to the possibility of the weather being manipulated for political purposes.

Yeah, I suppose that makes sense. I mean, whoever heard of drought or famine in Africa before Chimpy Imperialist came along? It just never happened.

"The overt and covert machinations by Zimbabwe's former colonial ruler Britain, which has declared its intentions to effect illegal regime change in Harare, have given credence to the conspiracy theory," the paper said.

Geez. Even they admit it's a conspiracy theory. I guess they failed to realize that "conspiracy theory" and "outlandish, insane paranoia" go hand in hand.

It said that the US Famine Early Warning System had predicted famine in Zimbabwe six months before it occurred.

...

Uh, that's not that hard.

"Hmm, looks like that part of Africa is gonna have a dry season this year, based on all this historical data and all these nifty weather-predicting gadgets we have." What, are they gonna start going after the National Hurricane Center the next time Florida gets pummeled? "They said it would happen, and it happened! They must've created it!!!"

Anyway, it seems to me like the "Famine Early Warning System" would do... well... read their name, genius. What do you think they do?

"The prediction, which was the exact opposite of other forecasts, seems to confirm that the conspiracy to remove the Zimbabwean government has gone chemical."

"We consulted the witch doctor, and he said The Bones™ called for rain! The Americans must be wrong!"

Zimbabwe is currently facing a food crisis and the country urgently needs to import 1.2 million tonnes of food to avoid famine.

We should trade it to them in exchange for the head of Mugabe.

Correspondents say the crisis is complex with erratic rains, disastrous economic policies, land reform and the spread of HIV/Aids all playing a part.

"Disastrous economic policies"... at least they came kinda close to saying "If Africans were free, this crap wouldn't happen so often."

Oh yeah, and add Zimbabwe to the list of countries that piss me off. I'm tellin' you, once the Democracy Dominoes™ sweep through Africa, they won't have these problems any more.

Hat tip: Fark

Yay! Strong Bad!

Well, seeing as I don't have much to offer the world today, I'll just point you in the direction of something worth your while.

Stand by

Well, after... sleeping on it... I've rethunk a bit of yesterday's post. Add that to the things left over from yesterday, and some new information today, and I've got a whole 'nuther post in the chute for today... but I don't have time to write it yet. Stand by.

Oh, and if anyone wanted to leave a comment, they weren't off intentionally, sorry. When I was messing around with the configuration yesterday I must've accidentaly set the default comments to "none". Oops.

UPDATE: Bleh. Don't expect the sequel anytime today. The creative juices are not flowing.

They probably will tonight- but I'll be watching a basketball game. Sorry.

UPDATE, AFTER THE WHOLE FRICKIN' WEEKEND PASSED ME BY AND I DIDN'T WRITE JACK DOODLY SQUAT: Apologies if you've been waiting in anticipation for the much-vaunted second round of the flag-burning post. It just never got off the ground. Please don't hate me.

I'll sum it up, however: Perhaps a constitutional amendment is just too much in this case. Changing the constitution should be reserved for things of extreme importance. But it should be illegal.

Hopefully the New and Improved!™ post will still come to fruition- but I won't hold it against you if you don't keep coming back to SITYSK™ every ten minutes, breathlessly awaiting its arrival.

Oh, and Detroit lost that game. Shucks and other comments.

If flag burning is your thing, they've got an open slot in Tehran.

Today, the House of Representatives passed what I feel is an important piece of legislature.

"The Congress shall have power to prohibit the physical desecration of the flag of the United States."

I realize this is a touchy subject for a lot of people. Most current political issues in the United States are either a clear case of good vs. evil (i.e. abortion) or intelligent vs. stupid (i.e. Social Security). With flag-burning, however, many people feel that if we take away that particular "freedom of speech", who knows what's next? So even though they may not condone burning the flag, they respect another's right to do so.

Well, I don't. All the freedoms specified in the Bill of Rights must be viewed through the filter of common sense. The freedom of speech and the freedom of the press give everyone in this country the right to speak their mind- within reason. It means that the Republicans can't go to the WaPo and the NYT and tell them to stop anklebiting everything that President Bush says or does. It also means that I can say what I want on this humble li'l blog and no left-wingers in the government can come stop me. They do not give anyone the right to threaten other people, publish blatant lies (although libel and slander have taken a back seat to *spit* bipartisan politics *spit* and *more spit* political correctness *more spit*), or advocate open treason against the United States. Even this blog has certain limitations and restraints- for example, I could never use SITYSK™ or any other forum to insult or question anyone in my chain of command. That's the Army, and I accept it. I don't feel that my First Amendment Rights!!!™ are being trampled because of this- I simply realize that everything in this world has limits.

The freedom of speech has been misunderstood, twisted out of context and reason, and heavily misused lately. Could I use my freedom of speech to shoot irritating liberals in the head? I could refer to it as "me expressing myself". Of course, the answer is NO, the First Amendment doesn't cover your "right" to murder. If that's your definition of free speech, you can't claim that the Constitution supports it- you just need to change your definition.

All the rights granted by the First Amendment (and the Constitution as a whole) are expected to be dealt with according to reason. You can't organize human sacrifice by claiming your religion to be that of the Aztecs- while you have the right in this country to worship Aztec gods, it is simply no excuse for killing people. Nor can you use your freedom to petition the government by tackling elected officials in the street and screaming your demands in their face. Technically, the Constitution doesn't say how you may or may not "petition the government", but it's assumed by people with functioning brains that the way I've just described is not a First Amendment right, but assault and battery.

So. Burning my flag. The question is, is it freedom of speech or not? I guess it all depends on whether you look at from the standpoint of a normal, thinking person, or as an America-hating hippie who hides behind technicalities. What we should be thinking about is, is this action constructive or destructive? Just because I don't agree with something doesn't make it a bad thing- if the other individual is trying to do good, not harm, well that's what makes America great. We look at all the angles and possibilities and decide on the best one. But if a person or group of people is being deliberately destructive- at most to simply draw attention, more often simply out of spite- then why do we let them do it? And by "destructive" I don't mean just destroying the flag- what I'm talking about happens in everyday life. That moron you work with whose entire existence seems to be based on covering up his/her own shortcomings by pointing out or making up faults in others. Destructive. In a perfect world they would be fired. That idiot who cuts you off in rush hour traffic, almost causing an accident, just for the opportunity to get to the red light first. Destructive. In a perfect world their license would be revoked.

Those America-bashing "citizens" who make their points known by setting American flags on fire in the street. Or stomping on them. Or spraying them with graffiti. Or flying them upside-down and then using that lame excuse that they're "under duress". Destructive. Pointless, senseless destruction. What are they accomplishing? What good are they doing? What is their expected end result? These are questions that every mature adult can be called upon to answer with pretty much any of their daily activities.

If you're unhappy with your government- fine. Who isn't? Seriously, is there anyone who has no complaints about the government? But taking our very symbol of freedom and smearing it isn't a very good way to get your issues worked out. You call your Congressman. You write your Senator. "But that didn't do anything!" you whine. Fine then, vote their non-public-serving self out of office. It's called democracy. If you don't think it works well enough, there's plenty of more "enlightened" democracies on the other side of the Atlantic. Your ancestors came over on a boat, go back to the old country and return the favor. Or, if flag burning is just "your thing", they've got an open slot in Tehran. Go live there and see how well your "dissenting opinions" go over.

But before you light that flag on fire, consider your actions. Are you going to impress anyone? Is anyone going to care more about your cause du jour because you're making a fool of yourself? Well, seeing as people who would consider burning the flag probably don't have an open enough mind for this to make a dent, let's go back to the amendment. "The Congress shall have power to prohibit the physical desecration of the flag of the United States." Is this a good idea or not?

What are its risks? Is it crushing anyone's free speech, signifying the opening stages of a move toward totalitarianism? Are the Thought Police next?

Well... no. Not at all. Everyone who would choose to desecrate the flag to get their point across can pick another method. One that is civil. One more in line with human decency and respect for this country. One that they actually have a chance of getting other people to listen to. Because believe me, if you're standing at Haight and Ashbury, dousing Old Glory with gasoline, screaming about warforoil and censorship, nobody worth anything is going to listen to you. Trust me on this. You might have a flock of people watching you saying "right on, man," but ask yourself this: What in the world are you actually going to improve? Nothing.

So- what's the potential downside to this amendment? None, not that I can see. By all means, if there is any reason to allow morons who mooch off this country to trash it like that, let me know.

What's the upside? Well, it would protect the Flag, if nothing else. And the Flag deserves our protection. If the Flag doesn't mean enough to you to wonder why it should be protected, then let me paint you a couple of pictures.

As I was walking across Camp Bondsteel one chilly October morning, I noticed the flag on the towering staff was at half-mast. Again. It was the third time since arriving in Kosovo that had happened. Neither of the first two had meant much to me. I voiced the question: "Who died now?" When I got to work, I found out: it was 17 of my comrades-in-arms, slain victims of the USS Cole bombing. Incidentally, don't tell me the War on Terror started on 9/11. That was the last time I ever regarded a flag at half-staff with cynicism. That flag at Bondsteel was a beacon for me, literally. At night the thing was lit up like a baseball stadium, and you could see it from just about anywhere around. I used to love walking past it on the way to the other side of post- it was nice to know that even in a war-ravaged place like the Balkans, the flag would take care of me. That's why nobody gets to mess with the Flag.

Or we could go earlier in my career, to when as a young PFC I helped fold many a flag over the coffins of WWII veterans. If you've never heard a widow weep when the tri-corner flag is presented to her, while Taps is played piercingly on a bugle, then don't presume to think you have the "right" to burn it. That's sacrilege. That's why nobody gets to mess with the Flag.

Or- how about the obvious- how about the FDNY guys who hoisted the flag on that twisted chunk of World Trade Center? Or the massive flag draped over the side of the Pentagon? Or the flag they brought from New York so they could fly it over Afghanistan? That's why nobody gets to mess with the Flag.

And if you don't get it yet, read this. Because seeing that flag flying means we're still free. That's why nobody gets to mess with the Flag.

The Bill of Rights protects the rights of this country's citizens. This amendment, if passed, wouldn't protect any person's rights, at least not that I can see. It would protect the rights of the Flag. And believe me, she has rights, and they're being trampled. Literally. Trampled, engulfed in flame, peed on, hung upside-down, you name it. Isn't being hung upside-down a form of torture? Where's the outcry from the Democrats?

Well, this post has rambled and flowed. I've been writing it on and off all afternoon, so it's time to finish it off and close it out. I guess the main issue is that people will scream about their rights being abused, when in reality nobody should have a right to openly disgrace their country. Peacefully protest policies you don't like, vote with your feet, even tell your leaders that they're wrong. But remember that they are your leaders, whether you like it or not. And the flag represents America- it is worthy of respect. It deserves better than to be disgraced. If that's the best you can come up with, to set the flag on fire- just leave the country, now. You've forfeited your right to be here.

A bit more on this tomorrow. I've got more points to make, but they don't fit with this post- and I'm tired. G'night.

Mr. Li'l Kim babbles on

Okee dokee... now it's our fault that North Korea is a hostile little punk of a country.

...I can't wait to hear Kimberly's explanation of this one.

North Korea said Wednesday it would not need nuclear weapons if the United States treated it like a friend, as the isolated nation joined South Korea for high-level reconciliation talks.

Dude, we already called you "Mr."- what more do you want? A dozen red roses?

The bilateral meeting was shadowed by the international standoff over the North's nuclear ambitions.

"If the United States treats the North in a friendly manner, we will possess not one nuclear weapon," the North Korean delegation said, according to Kim Chun-shick, spokesman for the South Koreans.

That sounded like it was worded carefully. "We will possess not one nuclear weapon- but we might possess a few of them! Ha ha! Stupid American!"

The statement echoed a pledge by North Korean leader Kim Jong Il, who met Friday with visiting South Korean Unification Minister Chung Dong-young and said Pyongyang could return to international nuclear disarmament talks as soon as next month if it gets appropriate respect from Washington.

Like I said... we draw the line at "Mr." No more respect. That's all you get.

I think Mr. Li'l Kim has been listening to a few too many Democrat politicians. He's starting to believe that everything is America's fault.

MuNuby Needum Help

Hey, y'all, if you trackback somebody, and then re-edit your post a bit and save it again, will it re-ping the blog you trackbacked? Even if the "URLs to Ping" box is empty? 'Cuz if that's the case, it's... irritating. If it's not the case, I have no idea why I'm sending multiple pings.

Hmm. I remember seeing something vaguely about this at Munuviana. Maybe I should go check.

UPDATE: ...whoa.

Okay, folks, today's tidbit of strange information is ready:

If you do a search at Munuviana for "ping", it lists every post that every Munuvian has ever written.

...my eyes hurt now. I've never done that much scrolling in my life.

UPDATE THE SECOND: Disregard. I found out what's causing it. Munuviana is friggin' awesome.

...but that search incident is still messing with my head...

Apology acceptedwe'll think about it. Maybe.

Well, after being badgered incessantly for a week straight by everyone with a shred of decency (and some without), Senator Durbin has apologized for his remarks comparing people like- oh, say, me- to genocidal tyrants.

Thanks. Thanks bunches. Can't tell ya how much that means to me. All that's left is to decide whether he really meant it. Or did somebody explain to him that he was committing political suicide faster that "Howlin' Mad" Dean, and that if he ever wants to be elected again, he should take it back?

Sen. Dick Durbin went to the Senate floor late Tuesday to offer his apologies to anyone who may have been offended by his comparison of treatment of detainees at the U.S. military base at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, to Nazis, Soviet gulags and Cambodia's Pol Pot.

Uh... was anyone not offended?

"More than most people, a senator lives by his words ... occasionally words fail us, occasionally we will fail words," Durbin, D-Ill., said.

He "failed words". Does that even make sense?

"I am sorry if anything I said caused any offense or pain to those who have such bitter memories of the Holocaust, the greatest moral tragedy of our time. Nothing, nothing should ever be said to demean or diminish that moral tragedy.

"I am also sorry if anything I said cast a negative light on our fine men and women in the military ... I never ever intended any disrespect for them. Some may believe that my remarks crossed the line to them I extend my heartfelt apology," Durbin said, choking on his words.

Are Democrats even capable of dealing in absolutes? Everything isn't perceptions and feeeeeeeeeelings! I don't "believe" your remarks crossed the line, Senator. Your remarks were ludicrous and hateful. Period. You missed "the line" by a couple of light-years.

Durbin said in the course of his remarks on June 14, he raised "legitimate concerns" about U.S. policy toward prisoners and whether their treatment makes America safer.

"Legitimate concerns"? Like the following list of crap, which sure sounds like an interrogation-type atmosphere to me:

Durbin read from an FBI report that included descriptions of one case at Gitmo in which a detainee was held in such cold temperatures that he shivered, another in which a prisoner was held in heat passing 100 degrees, one in which prisoners were left in isolation so long they fouled themselves and one where a prisoner was chained to the floor and forced to listen to loud rap music.

Do you have a better, more terrorist-friendly method of dragging information out of them? Perhaps we could turn Gitmo into a tropical paradise, let them chill on the beach for the next 40 years, and hopefully when they're old and frail they'll feel guilty and offer up a deathbed revelation on where their friends are? Think that would work?

If I read this to you and did not tell you that it was an FBI agent describing what Americans had done to prisoners in their control, you would most certainly believe this must have been done by Nazis, Soviets in their gulags or some mad regime — Pol Pot or others — that had no concern for human beings," Durbin said last week.

I'm sure the whole blogosphere is aware of what he said by now. But I haven't had a chance to weigh in, so- no, Senator. I wouldn't think it was the lackeys of a tyrannical dictator. I'd think it was any given penitentiary in America.

After the uproar that followed those remarks, Durbin clarified that he was not comparing U.S. soldiers to Pol Pot, Nazis or Soviet guards, but was "attributing this form of interrogation to repressive regimes such as those that I note."

Nice try. And I'm not calling Senator Durbin a horrible, despicable fool, all I'm saying is that anybody who would say the things he says is a horrible, despicable fool. I'm not making any comparisons here...

Durbin attempted to clarify his remarks last Thursday evening and then again Friday, saying that he regretted if people did not understand his historic analogies, and he suggested that he could not verify the accuracy of the FBI document.

No clarification required. Your meaning is crystal-clear.

"If this indeed occurred, it does not represent American values. It does not represent what our country stands for, it is not the sort of conduct we would ever condone ... and that is the point I was making. Now, sadly, we have a situation here where some in the right-wing media have said that I have been insulting men and women in uniform. Nothing could be further from truth," Durbin said.

The "Right-wing media"? Ooooooooooookay. Get this man a drug test, quick. And nobody in the media needs to say that you're insulting us... we have brains. All we need to do is hear what you said to know we're being insulted.

But on Tuesday, he left little room for second-guessing whether he realized his error.

"After reading the horrible details in that memo which characterized the treatment of prisoners at Guantanamo, I then, on my own, my own words, made some characterizations about that memo ... I have come to understand that was a very poor choice of words," he said.

"I meant to say you were just like Saddam!"

Under Pol Pot's regime, 1.5 million died in death camps and another 200,000 so-called "enemies of the state" were executed. The Nazis killed 6 million Jews and forced hundreds of thousands into slave labor. The USSR's Joseph Stalin sent 25 million people to labor camps where many were worked to death.

And we're about to reveal how many millions of poor, downtrodden political prisoners have been starved to death or gassed at Gitmo...

While more than 1,700 U.S. soldiers have died helping to liberate Iraq first from Saddam Hussein and then from a deadly insurgency, no detainees at Guantanamo Bay have died in custody.

Oh! None! Not one friggin' terrorist!

"...but that can't be right! Those soldiers- whom I cherish dearly, of course- are all acting like the SS! There must be at least a couple mass graves by now!"

Durbin pledged to "continue to speak out on the issues that I think are important to the people of Illinois and the nation," but added that he did not mean to diminish the image of the United States in the world.

"I don't want anything in my public career to detract from my love for this country, my respect for those who serve it and this great Senate. I offer my apologies to those who were offended," he said.

Trust has to be regained. You gotta show me. Otherwise- sorry, don't believe ya.

Immediately after his remarks, Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., said he thought Durbin made a "heartfelt statement" and he was satisfied with the apology.

"He did the right thing, the courageous thing and I think we can put the situation behind us," McCain said.

And we'll give the last word to the King of Rhinos. Er, RINOs.

UPDATE: Scrappleface has what Durbin meant to say.

Michelle Malkin has more.

Yep, I'm a smart one, all right

...but I'll try not to be too snotty.

Your IQ Is 130

Your Logical Intelligence is Genius Your Verbal Intelligence is Genius Your Mathematical Intelligence is Genius Your General Knowledge is Above Average

...well, there's worse ways to start off a Tuesday.

Hat tip: Rachel Ann

Gratuitous linky-love for Monday the 20th

Susie has a good idea, y'all. Go check it out. I'm doing my part right now.

The world isn't fair. I will pout now.

So this morning, I discovered that basil trackbacked me. Twice.

sweeeeeeeet.

And I still can't get to his blog.

gaaaaaaaay.

I wonder if he's been blacklisted by this Army-issue server. It keeps giving me a firewall error. Why that would happen, I have no idea. Is anybody else having trouble getting there?

Hooray! Fun neat things!

Good news! Thanks to the never-ending hard work of Pixy Misa, The MuNuMaster, all my old Bog*Splot entries are here at the new site. WOOHOO! They are now forever safe from the clutches of the Bloggmonster. Thanks to Jim for the heads-up, even though I've been checking Munuviana religiously waiting for the Importeriser.

Also, thanks to Kate, I got me a nifty "Recent Comments" thingy. Still a bit of tweaking to do to the sidebar but it's getting there. Finally got around to letting TTLB and the Alliance know I changed my URL so they can update me. Still working on making SITYSK™ a three-column blog. Don't want Eric to think I'm wasting his time...

...and now, for some content! (I hope.) Been a very busy week at work after a kinda-sorta busy month, so blogging has pretty much screeched to a halt lately- but it looks like I'm over the hump and will be able to write all the stuff I've been meaning to. Especially bashing the ACLU. If I don't get off my keester and write something Jay might kick me off the BlogBurst. noooo...

Okay, well, it's late, and my brain has stopped working. That's my excuse if this post is written strangely. Brad is tired. I will sleep now.

Mama, it followed me home, can I keep it?

Sweet! I've taken my next big step as a blogger! I have an honest-to-God troll!

See, I thought I had a troll my second day on Bog*Splot, but he disappeared. Kind of a one-night-stand troll. But this new guy, the brilliantly named "RealityCheck", left droppings on not one but three posts! Yay!

His first insightful remark is here, where I mentioned that white descendants of slave-owners don't owe black descendants of slaves anything. His 2¢:

Wow, your parents must be so proud to have such a racist as a son.

What a loser redneck.

Well, yes, my parents are proud of me, thanks. But there's a teeny flaw in your logic- see, my wife is -gasp- black. From Chicago (center of the you-dirty-crackas-owe-me-sumthin' movement), no less.

Aw, shucks. There goes your whole argument. But wait, you've still got two more chances!

His next attempt at wisdom was to insult my son:

He can't actually walk, he is 85% retarded, he has no social skills and he will grow up to be a racist like his dad... but you are so proud. good for you.

Well, gosh, that's not very nice. But let's pick apart your argument:

He can't actually walk...
You know, that's technically true. He's a three-year-old, which means "walk" is not one of his speeds. His two speeds are "run" and "faster than I can move".

...he is 85% retarded...
Um, nope. In case you forgot to read the gist of the post, he recited the Pledge of Allegiance. In its entirety. By himself. Sounds like a pretty smart kid to me.

...he has no social skills...
Well, I'm assuming that at the daycare he says the pledge with other kids. Y'know, his friends.

...and he will grow up to be a racist like his dad...
Ooh, here's where your logic falls apart again. You see, I'm not his biological father... but I am very much his daddy. My oldest son is 87.5% black... and an eighth Italian. So if he grows up to be racist against black people it'll be very odd indeed, considering he's darker than his mommy. And considering he fiercely protects his mulatto younger brothers, I'd say race isn't an issue with him. After all, he's never asked me why I'm so much lighter than everybody else in the family. Apparently he's more mature than you.

...but you are so proud.
Sure am!

...good for you.
Thanks.

Two strikes, man. One more try. Let's go for it!

I am glad you are so easily amused, figures though

...written in response to a brief post congratulating Michelle Malkin on a year of blogging.

So I'm easily amused by being mildly excited that a blogger I love to read has celebrated a milestone. What was that you said earlier about "no social skills"? So if someone you know has a birthday, do you say "sorry man, can't get amused that easy, no song or cake for you!"?

Well... that's three strikes. You're out, bro. Sorry. But come back anytime- I christen you "The Official SITYSK™ Troll". You're amusing. Oh, drat, there I go being "easily amused" again.

But, uh, it's not a good idea to talk about my family. Just a friendly warning.

Throw money at it, it'll go away

Cox & Forkum have a good cartoon about what the G8 could really do to help the people of Africa, and it doesn't involve dumping money on the continent and waiting for improvement.

Here's a sampling of an article they linked to:

What Africa desperately needs is to remove its political and economic shackles and replace them with political and economic freedom. It needs to depose the military dictators and socialist regimes and establish capitalism, with its political/economic freedom, its rule of law, its uncompromising respect for individual rights. And to accomplish that, it first needs to remove its philosophic shackles and replace tribal collectivism with a philosophy of reason and freedom.

My sentiments exactly. The Official Position of SITYSK™ is that we need to initiate some regime changes. Otherwise, there's no point- we may as well let them starve, because if nobody does anything about their "leaders", they're all as good as dead anyway.

argh

Does anybody else have to re-enter their information every time they wanna leave a comment? Or is my blog just playing an ongoing practical joke on me?

You just won the Idiot of the Month Award

I was gonna blog about this guy anyway...

So Tuesday evening I was watching the news, and everybody was talking about Southern California High-Speed Police Chase #712 (the number resets at the beginning of the year). I said, "Hey! It's The Moron's cousin, just on a motorcycle!" The Moron, since it's been a while (and I wasn't very specific at the time), was that idiot back in early April who was driving a white car with a purple flag or something hanging out the window. Don't know what ended up happening to The Moron, hopefully he's in jail. I believe he was Southern California High-Speed Police Chase #484, you can look it up.

So anyway. The guy on the bike will now be referred to as The Moron's Cousin. The Moron's Cousin weaved in and out of rush hour traffic, before doing the smart thing and pulling into a mall-parking-structure-sort-of-building, thus wittily evading the cops.

Okay, the "smart thing" would've been stopping the friggin' bike and explaining his actions, but give him a break. He's The Moron's Cousin. Can't expect too much from the guy.

But get this. The cops caught him yesterday- good job, guys- because he came to the police station trying to find his "stolen" bike.

Pardon me.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

(Bill Engvall mode)
Here's your sign, numbnuts.
(/Bill Engvall mode)

Check this out:

blah, blah, blah... details, details...

Ah. Here's the good part.

The pursuit began in the Newhall Pass area. Speeds reached 140 mph on freeways and surface streets.

I got a buddy who's had his crotch rocket up to that kind of speed. He does it on long, straight, empty stretches of road- not Metro LA at evening rush hour.

Authorities said a ground pursuit was terminated at that point, and air units were pursuing the motorcycle when visual contact was lost near a parking structure at the sprawling shopping center.

"Yay! I got away!"

Police found the motorcycle in the Glendale Galleria parking garage, but the biker had already fled inside the mall. Authorities said Rodriguez entered a store in the mall to purchase a hat after shedding his leather jacket and helmet.

This guy has seen too many movies... and probably played too much Grand Theft Auto.

Mall officials were alerted that a pursuit suspect was inside the facility. A clerk, who noticed the description matched, gave Rodriguez's credit card receipt to Glendale police, allowing officers to obtain his phone number.

You mean there's good citizens in SoCal who actually assist officers of the law? That gives me a warm fuzzy.

"We called him, and he then claimed that his motorcycle had been stolen last evening," said Officer Wendy Hahn of the California Highway Patrol.

"Man, I left my bike right there, man! Somebody ripped me off!"

"He was going to go to a highway patrol office and file a stolen report on the motorcycle."

Apparently unaware that the Higway Patrol were already all over his... um... dilemma.

CHP officers asked him to visit their office to identify the bike.

...hoping against hope that he was actually dumb enough to say yes.

Rodriguez was booked for felony evading and filing a false stolen-vehicle report, and was held on $75,000 bond. After questioning, he admitted he was the biker involved in Tuesday's pursuit.

I don't know about the false stolen-vehicle report. He's The Moron's Cousin- he probably really did think somebody stole his bike.

As for the rest, though, throw the frickin' book. I mean literally. Hit him in the head with it. Is it hardbound and heavy?

"He also said he was scared traveling at such high speed," Hahn said. "He thought he was going to die."

Uh, slow down?

Rodriguez was wanted on an arrest warrant for a previous speeding ticket, Hahn said. She said he had two suspended drivers licenses.

Not the least bit surprising. Tell him if the cops ever see him operating a motor vehicle again their orders are shoot to kill.

C'mon, LA. Does anyplace else in America have this kind of trouble with high-speed chases? If so, nobody hears about it. Clamp down. Now, in case you didn't read the post I wrote about The Moron, I think the cops are doing a great job. Seriously. They're being hampered by laws designed to protect criminals and screw over everybody else. LAPD needs to buy some tanks. Like some old M-60s, you can get 'em from the National Guard cheap. Whenever there's an idiot running from the cops, drive over them. Let it be known that if you wanna showboat for the helicopter cameras, it will result in you becoming an asphalt pancake in front of the whole country. I bet we'd see a sharp drop-off in high-speed chases.

A couple weeks ago they managed to corner somebody in a minivan. At the time they thought he was a kidnapper. Didn't follow up at the time, don't know the whole story. But I do know what I saw- they blocked him in and aimed a crapload of weapons at him. And when the idiot wouldn't get out- no problem. Fill his van with tear gas and let the dog have him. It was a thing of beauty- some fool who thought he was better than the cops being forcibly removed from his vehicle by method of German Shepherd teeth. Frickin' awesome. I wish I'd have recorded it. Do that a little more often, and most of the would-be chasees will have second thoughts. Maybe it would've helped The Moron's Cousin.

...naw, he's an idiot. He would've wound up doing something dumb.

Hat tip: Fark

Ponderous Thought™ for the day

If a fly didn't have wings, would it be called a walk?

Oh... wow.

Click on the extended entry if you feel the need to be mildly grossed out. If not, ya might wanna leave this one alone.

Somebody just came here by searching for "what is white stuff coming out of vagina".

Um...

...I don't wanna know.

bleaches brain to remove horrible mental picture

Hooray!

Hey, y'all, today is Flag Day, so get out there and be patriotic. It's also the Army's 230th birthday. Right now I'm in the middle of a major bloggy slump, and I had a frickin' root canal done this morning, so words kinda fail me... but there's no way I could let the day pass without saying "Happy Birthday" to my alma mater.

But I won't sing this time. Mouth hurts.

Holy Crap! Holy Crap! Stop your lives immediately!

Hey everybody! The jury said Michael Jackson is not guilty! Oh my gosh! I haven't been this excited since the last Strong Bad Email! This is the most incred... i... bull...

head lands on keyboard

hjnmuhjuu7uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

...wha...?

Oh, sorry, fell asleep there. Okay. It's done. For the love of all that is sane and good in the world... can we all please stop talking about this stupid trial now? What say you, Oh Persons Of The Media? Am I allowed to get on with my previously scheduled life now?

Why don't y'all tell me something useful- like how many terrorists got iced today? Give me a countdown to the Execution of Saddam™, that'll keep me interested. Anything. Just stop shoving celebrity bullcrap in my face.

UPDATE: Oh, by the way, for the curious: I do not care in the slightest whether he's guilty or not. I hope, since the jury saw fit to acquit him, that he didn't do it- because I hate to see justice skewed one way or the other. But I have gone out of my way to not give one single solitary flying piece of monkey poo about this case. I'm just glad it's over. Now for the hard part: getting the MSM to realize that.

UPDATE, eighteen hours later: Well, no big surprises here- the only thing in the world of the MSM today is the "effects" of the Michael Jackson case. With a short break every twenty minutes to mention Natalee Holloway or a bombing in Iraq.

But there was one very humorous result of all this. Just a typo, that's all... but a very well-placed one. On CNN this morning they were babbling on with somebody or other about Michael Jackson's future in pop music, where's his career gonna go, blah blah, who cares. In EXTREMELY LARGE, BRIGHT WHITE font at the bottom of the screen it said:

JACKON'S NEXT ACT

They cut to a talking head or something (I was too distracted about "Jackon" to notice what) and shortly cut back to the corrected graphic:

JACKSON'S NEXT ACT

They should've just left it as "Jackon". It was much more interesting that way.

I swear, y'all, I ain't makin' this up. Too frickin' funny.

Off topic- any of you MT gurus know how to center one line of a post? Maybe I should drop this question over at Munuviana...

Woohoo!

Happy blogiversary, Michelle Malkin!

...and many mooooooore... sorry, I'll stop singing now.

I got yer reparations right here, sizzlechest

Instapunk has done some research and crunched some numbers. And- lo and behold!- it turns out white people don't owe possible-descendants-of-slaves a stinkin' thing. Actually, their ROI for being here in America turned out to be pretty darn good!

So, ah, this whitey will be expecting a check. Thanks.

Hat tip: Michelle Malkin

Ohmygosh! Ohmygosh! Ohmygosh! New Strong Bad Email! Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh!!!

...but I gotta say, it's actually pretty boring.

Earn this

Today is the anniversary of D-Day. 61 years ago today, over a hundred thousand Allied troops stormed the five beaches of Normandy, after spending upwards of three puke-inducing days bobbing in the English Channel (or, in the case of the paratroopers, spending the night being tossed about the insides of cargo planes that were being shot out of the sky), and began the eleven-month campaign to free Western Europe.

Therefore, SITYSK™ is calling on all nations of the world that today enjoy freedom to publicly thank the Allied nations (especially America, dangnabbit!) for having the gumption to save the world from its own stupidity, and by paying for the world's stupidity in the blood of their young men.

We further call on all world organizations *cough*Amnesty*cough* to take just one day off from their zeal-filled quest to degrade America, even though just about every nation in the whole world owes its freedom to us, in one way or another.

We will stand by, holding our breath in anticipation.

turns blue

Oh, before we run out of oxygen, SITYSK™ would like to officially thank the following countries for their part in Operation Overlord:

The United Kingdom
Canada
Australia
New Zealand
The Free French (yes, even the French)
Poland
Belgium
Czechoslovakia
Greece
The Netherlands
Norway

Somebody remind me to start breathing again when the world once again shows some signs of common sense.

passes out

SITYSK™ is officially demanding that Newsweek and Amnesty International get up in arms over this!!!

Wow. Apparently most of the Koran Abuse!!!™ was done by the "Muslim" detainees. We will stand by and await the MSM's furor about this horrendous desecration.

holds breath 'til blue in the face

Very well, it'll be Mister Li'l Kim from now on

Hey, it turns out if you call psychotic dictators "Mr." they just warm right up to you!

North Korea gave rare praise to President Bush on Friday, welcoming his use of the honorific "Mr." when referring to leader Kim Jong Il and saying the softened tone could lead to its return to nuclear arms talks.

That's it? All we had to do was call him "Mister"? Man, think of all the things we could've avoided with that little bit of information!

Bush: "Mr. Hussein, you need to stop gassing your citizens and invading other countries."

Saddam: "Oh, very well, since you called me 'Mister'. In fact, I'll step down. Iraq is getting boring."

...or...

Roosevelt and Churchill: "Mr. Hitler, instead of us sending all our soldiers to France to drive you out, would you just leave instead?"

Hitler: "Why, sure, fellas! All I wanted was a little respect!"

Man, the possiblilites are endless.

[snip]

"It's a matter of continuing to send a message to Mr. Kim Jong Il that if you want to be accepted by the neighborhood and be a part of ... those who are viewed with respect in the world, work with us to get rid of your nuclear weapons program," Bush said.

One tiny act of diplomacy. How strange. Ten bucks says Bush didn't even mean to say it that way. Any takers?

The North said Friday that it had noted Bush was reported as "politely addressing our headquarters of revolution," a reference to Kim.

Politely addressing our headquarters of revolution... What a strange way to say "make the nicey with our boss."

Hmm... nope, my way was pretty strange too. Y'know, for a guy who makes his living being just as horrible as he can be, he sure is hung up on respect. Short man complex flaring up again, no doubt.

"We will closely follow if his remarks would not change day and night as this happened in the past," the spokesman said.

Nope, screw you guys, sorry. Tomorrow you're back to being just plain ol' Kim Jong Il. No "Mr." That was a one-time deal.

Oh, what the heck, it's working so well. We'll make an exception.

[snip]

The softer tone Friday from the North came a day after Pyongyang called Vice President Dick Cheney a "bloodthirsty beast" and said his recent comment that Kim was an "irresponsible" leader was another reason for it to stay away from the nuclear talks.

Hey, that's Mr. Bloodthirsty Beast to you!

This week, the North also took a personal swipe at Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, using language laced with insults to imply she was controlling the White House. In the past, Pyongyang has also called Bush a "political imbecile" and "half-baked man."

The North has demanded an apology for Rice labeling the country one of the world's "outposts of tyranny" earlier this year.

Denied. But from now on we will refer to it as "Mr. Kim's Outpost of Tyranny." Better?

Also Friday, the North again asked for the U.S. to make a "bold decision to withdraw the remark ... to remove the biggest hurdle lying in the way of resuming the six-party talks."

Um, the biggest hurdle to the six-party talks is you... Mr. Li'l Kim.

Well, to show solidarity and good faith, we here at SITYSK™ will call him "Mr. Li'l Kim" from now on. This should also avoid confusion with the rapper of the same name.

More on Mr. Li'l Kim

Yep, I'm bragging

I would just like everyone to be aware of the fact that my oldest son- who is all of (barely) three years old- can recite the entire Pledge of Allegiance. I thought that was pretty frickin' awesome. And yes, he included the words "under God".

...and there was much rejoicing.

Open letter to Amnesty International

We, the Editorial Staff of SITYSK™, have the following statement to issue to Amnesty International:

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!!!!

Oh, sorry, that's not the statement. That was more of, ah, commentary, I suppose. Here's the statement:

snicker

chuckle

...

rubs face with hands, attempts to compose self

Okay. For real this time.

deep inhalation

Amnesty- go piss up a flagpole.

There, I managed to get the statement out in one breath. Now we go live to our opinion journalist, who will provide a retort to Amnesty's demands.

cut to Opinion Journalist

So, uh, y'all want to keep tabs on America, eh? Well, we'll consider that, as soon as we hear you demand to see the prisons in the following countries:

Cuba
China
North Korea
Iran
Syria
Libya
Venezuela

...and five randomly selected countries in sub-Saharan Africa.

We will stand by and await your inspection of those nations. Until then, I'm afraid the United States will have to decline your offer.

Also, we'd like you to substantiate your reasons for inquiry. Here in America, anyway, we have something called "reasonable suspicion," which means police officers can't just randomly inspect citizens' vehicles or homes. If someone says that the owner of said property is hiding criminal conduct, that might be enough to get a search warrant, but not if the "witness" is known to be a person of ill repute or otherwise have no credibility whatsoever. Or, of course, if it's known that they are sharing the information with the police in an attempt to make the property owner look bad, with no evidence to support the claim, in which case it's called slander or libel. Unless the person works for the MSM, in which case we call it "journalistic integrity".

So. Before we agree to your *snicker* inspections *snicker*, we must know why you are making these allegations. Did you hear it from Newsweek? Reuters? BBC? The NYT, WaPo, the LA Times? Sorry, none of these are "sources". They have all been designated "bird cage liners" and/or "canine training aids". Find someone credible, or we'll have to tell you again to piss up a flagpole.

And we'll paraphrase Dave Chapelle for the remainder of our statement. In a skit he did portraying President Bush, explaining why the invasion of Iraq was necessary, he responded to reporters asking why he's not listening to the United Nations.

cut to Dave Chapelle

"You know what the United Nations should do about it? They should come stop me with their army. Oh- they don't have an army? Well, then they should shut the &%$@ up. (speaking into each microphone individually) Shut. The. &%$@. Up."

cut back to Opinion Journalist

There you have it. Now, we here at SITYSK™ don't normally see eye-to-eye with Dave Chapelle on political issues, but what he says here makes good sense. If Amnesty International doesn't like what America is doing, they should tell their army to do something about it. Maybe they could have their army take over operations at Gitmo, since America is obviously doing such a bad job. Oh, they don't have an army? Well, then I guess they should shut the &%$@ up. Back to you in the studio.

cut to studio

There it is, ladies and gentlemen, the official position of SITYSK™. Amnesty International can go piss up a flagpole, and if necessary, shut the &%$@ up.

And remember, everyone, if it wasn't for America, all you worthless pieces of crap would be either dead or Communists. Or both. Thank you, and good night.

fade to nifty graphic, cue momentous music

UPDATE, 3 JUN: This piece was some form of satire. If you want a real good angry description of the gulags in Cuba, and what Amnesty International can do with their whiny comments, go here. (Hat tip: Emperor Misha)

can't type. laughing too hard.

Well, somebody just discovered SITYSK™ by Googling "why you should not throw stuff at people," and that in itself is pretty amusing. But look one link lower, and you should see this.

Too. Funny.

Go. Laugh now.

Mark felt what, exactly?

So, Mark Felt is Deep Throat. That's moderately nifty. But- and this is the question nobody's asking- just what did Mark feel? I mean, I keep hearing "Mark Felt this," and "Mark Felt that"- for Pete's sake, what did he feel?

Did he feel remorse for taking his knowledge to someplace as crappy as the WaPo? I mean, would he have felt better with, say, the National Enquirer, or some more reputable newspaper? Or did he feel exhilarated that for three decades nobody knew who the mysterious player in the Watergate scandal was? Did he feel that he America fooled? Or did he feel slighted because he was never recognized? Maybe he felt guilty for not "taking the high road" and being forthright with what he knew.

See, it's the media being silly again. Nobody pays attention to the real questions. I wanna know how Mark Felt!

Besides, all this is a moot point. We all know who the real Deep Throat was, and it wasn't Mark Felt. It was a couple girls in junior high. Duh... everybody knows that.

Hooray! Memes!

This meme is brought to you by Kate. I'd say she's forcing me to do work, but seeing as I'm trying to dig myself out of this bloggy slump, she's simply providing me purpose, motivation, and direction.

1) Total number of films I own on DVD/video:

Well, at one point it would've been up around 250ish, but most of them have been gradually sold off in garage sales to buy slightly more important things like diapers and baby food.

Seeing as the kiddos pretty much take away most of the movie-watchin' time anyway, I haven't missed them.

Plus I'm in Honduras, and the DVDs are in Alabama. Except for nine of them. Had to bring my war movies with me.

2) The last film I bought:

Sheesh. I can't even remember.

It was probably a war movie. Heh.

3) The last film I watched:

Well, your friendly U.S. Army has provided its soldiers here with free cable, to include 18 movie channels, so I see movies all the freakin' time. However, it usually means I have to watch pieces of a movie four or five times before I see the whole thing. I think the most recent one was The Italian Job. Wait, nope, still haven't seen the beginning. Also in the running include LOTR (the second and third one), um, Miracle, uhh, Equilibrium, and some other ones, I guess.

Oh. Snap. The Core, and The Day After Tomorrow. I'm all about the "OMG we're all gonna die!!!" movies. They make me laugh.

4) Five films that I watch a lot or that mean a lot to me:

Quoth Kate:

Wow ... only five? Crud. This is hard.

No kidding. Before I even start, they'll probably all be war movies. Y'know what? I'm gonna cheat. Screw your rules! My blog! I do what I want!!!

So, without any further ado, Five (Or So) War Movies That Mean A Lot To Me:

Gettysburg
Glory
Braveheart (it's kind of a war movie)
Saving Private Ryan
Band of Brothers (mini-series, but it counts)

And... Five (Or So) Not-About-War Movies That Mean A Lot To Me:

Shrek & Shrek 2 (not really that important to me, but important to the boys- and anything that can keep them enraptured for two hours straight is important to me)
The Passion of the Christ
Tombstone
PCU- back in the day, anyway

5) Tag 5 people and have them put this in their journal/blog:

That's gonna be a tall order. I can't say Kate 'cuz she sent this to me. Can't say HDD 'cuz Kate sent it to him, too. Uhh... are there even five other bloggers who read SITYSK™?

Hmm. Let's see:

1. CD (Semi-Intelligent Thoughts)
2. Jay (Stop the ACLU)- a Loyal Reader™, even though I've been negligent in my duties as a BlogBurster
3. basil (basil's blog)- even though for some odd reason I haven't been able to access his blog for about two weeks*
4. Jennifer (Jennifer's Musings)
5. Jeremiah (Not a Unique Snowflake)

Alrightythen. S'all I got. Are you not entertained?

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!

Oh, yeah, and add Gladiator to my list of important movies.

*- Freaky weirdness. Today, out of the blue, I can. Guess I got a lot of catch-up reading to do over there.

UPDATE: Hooray! Trackback! (It's my first one... ever... so I'm celebrating. Happy Juice for all!)