Stuff I Think You Should Know

Open letter to Amnesty International

We, the Editorial Staff of SITYSK™, have the following statement to issue to Amnesty International:

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!!!!

Oh, sorry, that's not the statement. That was more of, ah, commentary, I suppose. Here's the statement:

snicker

chuckle

...

rubs face with hands, attempts to compose self

Okay. For real this time.

deep inhalation

Amnesty- go piss up a flagpole.

There, I managed to get the statement out in one breath. Now we go live to our opinion journalist, who will provide a retort to Amnesty's demands.

cut to Opinion Journalist

So, uh, y'all want to keep tabs on America, eh? Well, we'll consider that, as soon as we hear you demand to see the prisons in the following countries:

Cuba
China
North Korea
Iran
Syria
Libya
Venezuela

...and five randomly selected countries in sub-Saharan Africa.

We will stand by and await your inspection of those nations. Until then, I'm afraid the United States will have to decline your offer.

Also, we'd like you to substantiate your reasons for inquiry. Here in America, anyway, we have something called "reasonable suspicion," which means police officers can't just randomly inspect citizens' vehicles or homes. If someone says that the owner of said property is hiding criminal conduct, that might be enough to get a search warrant, but not if the "witness" is known to be a person of ill repute or otherwise have no credibility whatsoever. Or, of course, if it's known that they are sharing the information with the police in an attempt to make the property owner look bad, with no evidence to support the claim, in which case it's called slander or libel. Unless the person works for the MSM, in which case we call it "journalistic integrity".

So. Before we agree to your *snicker* inspections *snicker*, we must know why you are making these allegations. Did you hear it from Newsweek? Reuters? BBC? The NYT, WaPo, the LA Times? Sorry, none of these are "sources". They have all been designated "bird cage liners" and/or "canine training aids". Find someone credible, or we'll have to tell you again to piss up a flagpole.

And we'll paraphrase Dave Chapelle for the remainder of our statement. In a skit he did portraying President Bush, explaining why the invasion of Iraq was necessary, he responded to reporters asking why he's not listening to the United Nations.

cut to Dave Chapelle

"You know what the United Nations should do about it? They should come stop me with their army. Oh- they don't have an army? Well, then they should shut the &%$@ up. (speaking into each microphone individually) Shut. The. &%$@. Up."

cut back to Opinion Journalist

There you have it. Now, we here at SITYSK™ don't normally see eye-to-eye with Dave Chapelle on political issues, but what he says here makes good sense. If Amnesty International doesn't like what America is doing, they should tell their army to do something about it. Maybe they could have their army take over operations at Gitmo, since America is obviously doing such a bad job. Oh, they don't have an army? Well, then I guess they should shut the &%$@ up. Back to you in the studio.

cut to studio

There it is, ladies and gentlemen, the official position of SITYSK™. Amnesty International can go piss up a flagpole, and if necessary, shut the &%$@ up.

And remember, everyone, if it wasn't for America, all you worthless pieces of crap would be either dead or Communists. Or both. Thank you, and good night.

fade to nifty graphic, cue momentous music

UPDATE, 3 JUN: This piece was some form of satire. If you want a real good angry description of the gulags in Cuba, and what Amnesty International can do with their whiny comments, go here. (Hat tip: Emperor Misha)

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